You are experiencing, I believe the most horrendous kind of
grief right now! Do not deny yourself this
grief it is necessary for you to get it out and come to peace with everything. Go to a psychiatrist and see if you need help medically to help pull you thru and c about joining in a support group with others who have lost a loved one to suicide. Be gentle with yourself in the interim and remember you will get thru this. It is hard and ugly, but you will survive.