Ok, hun...deep breaths. You might not feel like you have a choice, but you do. You can choose life. Just for today you don't have to continue this horrible self-destructive cycle. I was abusing my pain meds also, first because my pain was awful, but then just not caring how many I took. I also have degenerative disk disease, bulging disc, scoliosis, and a syrinx - all at the same level of the spine. It *****, a lot.